Limitless

I always hold myself back and filter myself a lot when I write here. I never want to seem ungrateful, and I get paranoid about how people I respect will view me if I just let myself write what I really think. So for today, and hopefully in the future as well, I’m just going to let myself write.

I’m back in India right now. When I thought of what I would do with my time here, I thought of what this place meant to me. This is where everything began. Lots of good things, of course, but also childhood trauma. It’s good to be back to the place that started it all, so I can heal.

As a child, teenager, and adult, I was fat-shamed by people I trusted. Family and friends. This was a near-constant in my life. I remember being 8 or 9 and not having any concept of what a “bad body” was. When I looked at myself or someone else, I just saw a human. Their size didn’t give me any information about them as a person. I also didn’t have any understanding that if you ate a lot, you gained weight. So, as a child, I realised how much I loved some foods. I didn’t like the vegetables that much, but I really liked toast. So I ate a lot of toast. It made me happy and made me feel comfortable. Then I started putting on some weight. My parents and brother started commenting on it and I realised the negative tone they used when they said the word “fat.” It sounded like a nasty word. It was the first F-Word I learned. Then the extended family joined in. This continued till I was 14/15 and I lost the weight. When I cried to any parental figure about how hurtful this was, they would deny my reality and tell me I was being too sensitive, I had to develop a thicker skin, this was all for my good. I don’t know how counting calories as a 10-year-old was for my good, but it’s a habit I can’t seem to shake off even now. I developed a lot of social anxiety and doubted my own eyes, even when I liked my reflection or the way I looked in a picture. So- I would post the picture on Instagram and constantly refresh the page till I was satisfied with the amount of likes I got. Good. This meant my body was good. This meant people approve of how I look, so I’m doing something right.

There are so many things from my childhood that I don’t let myself think about even now, out of fear of being “ungrateful.” It’s only recently that I learned your parents can do the best they can and still hurt you. Acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for them. You’re allowed to feel angry, and you’re allowed to acknowledge how their actions affect you even today. I was always told my anxiety was just something I was born with. Imagine how I felt two days ago learning about childhood trauma and learning that for many people, this is where anxiety begins. This can be worked on, and this can be healed.

Letting go doesn’t mean everything magically disappears and the pain leaves. It just means I am ready to learn how to heal those wounds so I can live a better life from now on.

I don’t want to keep being my biggest bully when I look into the mirror. I don’t want to force myself to meet the expectations my family has of my body- I will never look like how I did when I was in 10th grade, and that’s okay.

Every night I dream of myself as I am now, stepping into a time machine and going back to my childhood. I imagine myself standing up for that girl, that teenager, that 20-year-old who was fat-shamed. I imagine myself being the adult who stands up for her when no other adult would. No other adult did. So it’s up to me to heal those parts of myself so I can continue growing into my 20s and take the power back.

The last four months –

I was supposed to be in India. When I first found out I couldn’t go, I was heartbroken to say the least. But, something sort of magical happened over my four months here, in Vancouver. I started bringing bits of home, here. I perfected my chai, I started reading again – like really reading, I found new Tamil music, I watched a lot of Tamil movies I’ve never seen before, I started following a lot more Tamil influencers on Instagram, I did Puja for the first time, I ate a lot of biryani and made a lot of dal. It was good.

I had a really bad anxiety attack, the worst one I’ve ever had, during the beginning of July. I couldn’t sleep or eat for two weeks, and I was exhausted and crying constantly. I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life with such bad anxiety, something I’ve had since I was in middle school, and something that has always made the future look so grim. I’m so glad my mental health reached it’s poorest point, because it pushed me to actually start meditating. I’ve been doing it diligently everyday, out of fear of getting the attacks again, and it’s making me feel mentally strong for the first time.

I’ve been reconnecting with a lot of old friends, making amends, apologising, saying ‘love you’ more, making sure nothing goes unsaid.

I’m ready for the fall term. I’m ready to move into a new house and make new friends, and build stronger friendships with the ones I already have. I’m ready to go back to studying Shakespeare and falling more in love with my major. To keep working really hard, because that makes me feel most like myself.

That’s all, just an update of the four months that have passed, and my hopes for the four that are yet to come.

 

I was sitting in class last night, trying not to let my restless legs shake the back-most row of tables, and my earphones fell from the table and hit my steel bottle under my desk, and I realised, my presence isn’t as insignificant as I thought it was. I’m still really shy in my classes, so I don’t talk much, and I become a court stenographer to everything my professor says, typing in even the bits of lecture that are definitely off-syllabus. I get lost in this rhythm, accidentally gaze at classmates till they realise they’re being unintentionally stared at, and then I fix my gaze to my professor till I feel like she’s been acknowledged by my stares for long enough. I’m so intimidated by the smart minds around me, and i’m just quiet. I’m running my own version of this lecture in my head, one where i’m brave enough to answer. And then, I hear the sharp clang of my earphones hitting my bottle, and I realise –  I just made a noise. Everything I do has an effect. I’m not a quiet and invisible presence, and I have a voice.

And then, I was bold enough to speak. Sure enough, sometimes my words turn into pebbles that I trip on, but I take part and share my thoughts, and I push myself into what I came here to do. Learn about Jane Eyre, sure, but also share what i’m thinking. And learn what others think about it. And talk and talk till there are no more pebbles to trip on, and i’m on a smooth road of articulating my thoughts, punctuating everything with some warm smiles to my classmates.

Other parts of my day included day-dreaming during my commute, squatting 80lb for the first time, and whispering kind words to myself. I’ve been feeling powerful in the gym, and this is starting to spill into other parts of my life. I’ve been a little nicer to myself. And i’ve been letting myself write even when there isn’t anything particularly important to write about. Not everything has to have a big lesson or message behind it. Just write, express, and let the knots in your mind unravel into a beautiful mess.

And always remember, you are significant. You are worthy. And you have as much value as you place in yourself.

It’s been 3 years since I last wrote something, but it’s been longer since I’ve posted something I really cared about. The last time I posted, was for an assignment. I had to choose between writing a formal essay, or a blog post, so I decided to dust off this blog to get some IB credits. It’s been 4 years since I’ve *really* posted.

So, where have I been? Well, for one thing, it feels like I’ve been to Hell and back. So many anxieties and realities scribbled into millions of journals, digital or paper, hoping no one will find my secrets and regrets. I’ve made countless apologies, and I’ve turned my life around completely. After 11th grade, anxiety wore the suit of a monster and taunted me everyday. I made horrible decisions to cope with it. Those decisions turned into my oxygen, and I couldn’t cope without them. I stopped studying, I stopped lifting, I stopped eating well, and I stopped treated myself and the people around me with love. I could easily sit here and describe the horrible cycle I got myself stuck in, but what matters is now. Now- I am much better. I am healthy again. I feel worthy of the title of this blog, although I’ve retired the ‘fitlikepri’ cape I wore in High-school, and exchanged it for one that suits me better: Limitless Lifts.

I came back here today because, as much as I love posting on instagram, I miss writing. I miss it so much, although I write everyday. I write in my journal, I write essays for Uni (English major), but I missed writing that way I love to write. I despise essays, and i’m not the best at them, but I’m good at this. At expressing myself, at talking about my life, at creative writing. I miss the routine of blogging and not having to worry about pairing a caption with a nice picture.

In terms of fitness – I look nothing like I did as a 16-year old. I believe I look better now. I’m much stronger and fitter, i’m doing exercises I never could before, i’ve gained muscle and (nearly) am as lean as I used to be.

I haven’t come back to give fitness advice, or share the latest discoveries. I simply want to share parts of my life, and not all of it revolves around fitness.

Till next time.

Deep, deep down ask yourself, “Who do you want to be?” Not what, but who. I’m talking about figuring it out for yourselves, ‘What makes you happy?’

You have to think outside the box. That’s what I believe after all. What’s the point of being on this Earth if all you want to be is be liked and avoid trouble?

We have so many rules in life about everything. I say break the rules, not the law, but break the rules.

I remember that after I was finished with my body building career I wanted to do acting, I wanted to be a star in films. Everyone had the same mind that it can’t be done. They said, “Look at this body, you have this huge monstrous body, you’re overly developed.” This doesn’t fit into the movies. But yer, I didn’t listen to all this, that was their rules. I was convinced I could do it.

Then I got the big break, Conan The Barbarian. Trust yourself no matter what anyone else thinks.

And there the directors said, “If we didn’t have Schwarzenegger, we would have to build one.” Then when I did Terminator, “I’ll be back…” One of the most famous lines in the movie history, all because of my crazy accent. It just shows you, you never should listen to those who say you can’t do something.

Don’t be afraid to fail. Anything that I have always attempted, I was always willing to fail. Don’t be afraid of making decisions; you can’t be paralysed with the fear of failure or you will never push yourself. You can push because you believe in yourself and your vision. You know it’s the right thing to do and success will come. Don’t be afraid to fail.

I mean, how many times have you heard, ‘you can’t do this, or you can’t do that because it’s never been done before.’ So pay no attention to the people who say it can never be done.

If I would have listened to the naysayers, I would still be in the Austrian Alps yodelling. I would never have come to America. I always listen to myself and say, “Yes.You.Can.” You never want to fail because you never worked hard enough. Work your butt off.

I always believed in leaving no stone unturned. No Pain, No Gain.

While you’re out there partying, horsing around, someone out there at the same time is working hard, someone out there is getting smarter, someone is winning — just remember that.

You can’t climb the ladder of success with the hands in the pockets.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger’s speech on bodybuilding.

By delving into his personal life experiences, that break the theme of bodybuilding, Schwarzenegger persuades the audience (Bodybuilders and aspiring athletes, regardless of age). Through personal example and commandeering sentences, we are left feeling as though we “Have to think outside the box.”
Talking about his personal experiences also allows us to realise that he is in fact a real human being who went through his own agenda of struggles. If he could overcome them, why can’t we?

Schwarzenegger also utilises repetition, when he’s telling the audience to not be afraid to fail. This not only drills the message into our minds, but adds intensity to the message each time it’s repeated, making it more purposeful. This speech has recently become a source of motivational fuel for me. Every word is laced with passion and intends on teaching the audience about intrinsic motivation and purpose.

Arnold reflects on how his life would have been if he had listened to the ‘naysayers’, something we can all relate to. By bringing the audience back to his currant position, where he’s on the brink of legendary success, we are slapped with inspiration and the message of his speech.

  The media, paired with an alliance with advertisement agencies, seem to influence a majority of the population. To say these forces don’t have an effect on me, would be a lie. Without advertisements posing as buffers between tv-show scenes, how would I have known what counted as beautiful and what didn’t?

Advertisement is the non-consensual drug populations are being doped on, somehow leaving us crave whatever the product promises. This allows it to act as a catalyst to make infant businesses popular ones. The effect could be caused by the prevailing exposure we are surrounded by, be it a TV or mobile phone, that leaves us feeling as though we need to consume an ad’s promise in order to feel belonged to society. As social animals, human beings feel the need to belong. We feel the need to conform to what we see on the screen, fit to their definitions and assumptions and what we need and what we must be like. 

If only it were different, and we didn’t fall under the spell of baritone voices persuading us with descriptions of products or narrating movie trailers.

Every individual, myself included, are left feeling as though we don’t have everything we need. Things we want feel like things we need; things we absolutely require in order to survive. We become that dramatic about our craving for exchanging money for whatever is being sold.

If my online shopping-kart isn’t filled with Kylie Jenner’s lip kit, that seems to be everywhere, I will somehow feel constantly dissatisfied in the most subtle and annoying way.

When it comes to myself, i’ve noticed i’m often influenced by the popularity of a product, when I make the decision to buy something. That, and how I personally feel about the product and whether or not it would benefit me in any way, be it in an actual observable way, or it’s just something that makes me smile temporarily.

  The last time I bought something, I was at an Airport in Bangkok, with only twenty minutes to buy something, cause apparently we all had to buy something, and I felt the strongest urge to buy lipstick. Finally, with two minutes left, and no lipstick, I saw the same lipstick my brother’s girlfriend had let me borrow last summer, and I picked it up without the mind to even check the price. Of course, that impulse was fuelled by the fact that I really liked the product, but my sudden urge to buy lipstick is a mystery to me. Maybe it’s as simple as saying it’s ‘cause all the ‘cool kids’ are doing it. Flipping through magazines, pointing at the shade of lipstick a model is wearing, and claiming they somehow need to have it.

  But somehow, I still appreciate all the effects advertisements have on me. They leave crumbs to the gingerbread house that contains what I think will make me happy, and in the end, often does. The sources of my happiness don’t just reside in buying things, there are countless things that make me happy. Anything that’s scary, would be the first thing that pops into my mind. Scary TV-shows, movies, books, music, video games. And of course, where would I be without weightlifting, and having the pleasure of writing about it. I imagine both weightlifting and writing will be a part of my life ten or twenty years from now. Either as hobbies, or professions, paired with a life of studying some form of psychology (either abnormal or criminal), and being able to express myself on a stage, somehow. It all seems random, but it makes me feel like I have a lot to work towards, and that makes me happy. I have a career to work towards, people to hopefully have the pleasure to help, things to study in kinesiology and psychology, and places to travel and still remain semi-introverted in. That, paired with the determination to change the way people perceive feminism, but that’s a whole other discussion.

  This random assortment of thoughts leaves me feeling reminded of the things I am working towards, and passionate about. One thing I remain conflicted over, in terms of passion, and how this passion seems to mingle with pessimism, is how I feel about the way we treat the environment. Of course, I am concerned, but I genuinely feel like we’re all too late when it comes to reversing whatever could’ve been reverse.

Could have.

Anyway, more random rambles in a while. Till next time.

I have a habit of constantly asking myself what I want to do after all this is over —

After i’ve graduated High-school, (hopefully) got into my dream College, after I remove the title of ‘school student’ from my mental description of myself. It started off with wanting to be a personal trainer, although that ambition isn’t dead, a lot more has been added to the list of ambitions and career choices. I want to be a certified fitness trainer, an online coach, a therapist and hopefully publish books on mental and physical health and wellness. I doubt the list will stop there.

I follow blogs based on my goals and ambitions, they tend to shape my perception of fitness and how holistic the definition can be.

The blogs I tend to rely on inform me about all aspects of health and fitness such as the different diets and forms of exercise individuals usually rely on in their quest to get healthy. 

From becoming attached and putting the opinions of my favourite bloggers on a pedestal, I’m easily susceptible to being influenced by them. The fact that the advice given by these bloggers differs from what is produced by the fitness industry (this advice is equipped with a materialistic motive, so it can’t be trusted) made me feel like their opinions could be trusted and implemented into my lifestyle.
By constantly familiarising myself with the once-trusted advice produced by the fitness industry, I can differentiate between what advice is trustworthy and what has to be completely avoided.

It’s the difference between genuinely helping a blank-faced client, and giving them advice that only benefits one party (the trainer who receives the money at the end of the day.)  This is what tells me which source I want to utilise and which i’d like to ignore, for the better. 

These blogs influence and inform me mainly because of the people behind them, and the information they decide to provide, regardless of financial returns.

Blogs (and their posts) such as: 

1. https://ohitfits.wordpress.com/2015/09/25/how-to-better-and-do-better-in-the-fitness-industry/ 
2.   https://theflexifoodie.wordpress.com/2016/10/12/plant-based-protein/.
3. http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2016/10/14/5-common-mistakes-when-doing-a-proper-squat/

 

Till next time.

 

Where to begin?

I’m vegan now. I made a lifestyle choice to cut out all animal by-products from my diet two weeks ago, when I realised how crappy I felt eating so much dairy and meat. My skin felt greasy, my energy levels where non-existent, my mood swings were dangerous for the people around me (Haha, apologising to my best friends for what i’ve put them through). I grew accustomed to waking up with nausea, that never seemed to die down. I just didn’t feel good.

Living with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, my body wasn’t appreciating the meat anymore and the hormones that came with it. 2 weeks into this lifestyle change, and I feel great. I got my energy back, I stopped snapping at people every minute and I just feel much better. For those of you who are wondering how i’m going to make muscle gains and hit PR’s on a diet that has been perceived as low in protein and ‘extreme’ by a majority, I will be fine. Protein is protein, and as long as I keep hitting my macros, I will still be inching towards my goals, regardless of where the protein is from (Hello, vegan protein powder). I’m still very inconsistent with my lifts and IIFYM, but i’m accepting that this is simply part of the process. What matters is, i’m never giving up on this. Lifting is and always will be an integral part of my life, and something I love more than anything else. I feel like I can start from scratch. With my lifts, my PR’s, my entire approach to health and fitness in general. Your passion doesn’t have to be moulded into a rigid routine that calls for complete discipline. But now, i’m determined to exceed where I left off with lifting and IIFYM.

Till next time.